being broke is the single most stressful situation of my life.

i make bad decisions sometimes. and i gotta live with it I guess.

fuck my coffee addiction the first half of the semester.

had a minor emergency this morning.

I accidentally cut myself while shaving and saw a little blood in my underwear this morning. I thought it was my period and I was getting it back because I “must” be gaining weight. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have the fucking fur all over me. Who am I kidding that I would get my period back.

lawlz. at myself.

dont you love waking up after dreaming of your ex boyfriend cheating on you for months with ugly bitches?

i do.

it’s fucking fantastic.

where the FUCK is my weed.

breaking up is hard to do, therapist edition.

my therapist insists on bothering me to DEATH about money, and honestly, I’m sick of it. I forgot about our appointment today, legitimately FORGOT. I didn’t mean to skip or ignore her call. But, I missed our appointment and she left me this nasty message about how she justknowsthat my mom won’t pay for the whole payment for a missed appointment and she is insisting upon charging me the no-show fee, which is like 100 bucks. It irritates me that she is even charging me in the first place, but also that she assumes I’d ask my mom to cover my ass for my own mistake.

Additionally, I don’t think I’m getting anything out of our time together. She is pushy, presumptuous, judgmental, and a little mean.  She constantly bothers me about payment, and seriously, bitch, I do not want to spend forty dollars to listen to you guilt trip me about me not eating. I just end up lying to her to get her off my back about my intake. Now, I think it’s time to end our time together.

I gotta make the call tomorrow. I think it might be rough.

i told my mom I want to look into treatment over the summer.

 I cant maintain. I cant stop restricting. No one is watching me. All my friends are worried. I’m scared to death of my heart literally stopping.

I’m so so scared, and I just want to live.

Treatment?

homeworks, then hangouts with franns.

Told my best friend I’m relapsing. No one is saying anything. I weigh 93 pounds, I am having moments of various levels of terror about dying. Then, I’m apathetic. Words of encouragement to continue recovery would be helpful.

moving right along,

last night I went to a cemetery called “Hell’s Gate” in the middle of nowhere, Kentucky.

All I saw were some really beautiful stars and super old gravestones. wonderful time all around :)

help with encouragement?

I’m not allowing myself to relapse.

breakups are not an excuse to undo all the work I’ve done in six months. But, I want nothing.

I feel nothing.

I feel vastly empty.

moderately lonely.

thinly veiled heartbreak. I’m just able to ignore it enough so that I’m not feeling. I keep pushing it down. Remainingpresentand focusing on whatever task I’m doing.

I’m smoking vast amounts of pot.

I’m attempting to eat. It’s. so. hard. I want to feel, do, eat nothing. I want to lay in a field and stay there, pretty much all day. Forget all my memories, erase every thought about him. Erase my urge to remain friends, erase my feelings. And I kind of am- minus the field. Although, I have done some field-laying in the past few days. I haven’t cried in 3. It seems unreasonable to both feel nothing and need to let it out, but it is unreasonable to allow m emotions to flood over and express the pain that is just beneath the surface. no one wants to hear it, and neither do I want to feel it.

suppressionFEEDSmy disorder. The nothingness, the emptiness, the numbness translates directly to my body and my realtionship with food. I want to eat nothing, I don’t even feel the physical signs of starvation except the atrophy and generalized weakness, I’m simply on autopilot.

I cannot relapse. They’ll put me in the hospital. I’m just trying to make it.

guys guys guys I actually ate a little pb in my oatmeal!! I didn’t get to have my normal soymilk and fruit, and I only had my oatmeal, and I knew I needed the extra calories and protein, and I did it :)

I’m doing SO good these days!!!

too bad I didn’t get around to eating my fourth meal yesterday…oops.

but I am really proud of myself!!

yesterday I wore a tank top, and looked like a starving child, and my friends stared and my boyfriend didn’t bat an eye.

my arms are emaciated. my chest is sunken. i look good with clothes, i look like hell without them. my veins stick out.

i can’t go for a hike in woods without almost passing out, then napping all afternoon, and my fucking ocd medication makes my stomach twist and turn in knots, which doesn’t make me want to eat.

but I did eat ice cream last night. It was some girl scout kind, and delicious. and I don’t feel bad about it. I do, however, wish I wanted real food. I can manage to eat ice cream. I’ve got no problem with it, but real food? no way. only vegetables. i need to maintain, i need to probably put on about 10lb. 95 is not healthy.

I hate my eating disorder. I hate how gross I look. I hate that it has taken so many things from me.

i don’t want to fall into self pity today, but I’m not going to lie, I’m sad.