lactose reactions are exhausting.
everything aches and I keep trembling now.
out of everything my eating disorder could have ‘given’ me, I’m grateful its one of the less severe things, but I have it to a very extreme extent and I’ll probably have it for the rest of my life - which makes me very sad indeed.
I never liked dairy, so my disorder giving me lactose intolerance wasn’t that bad. It actually made it easier to refuse fear foods. But, that in and of itself is a bad thing.
commencing relapse : need to lose 15 pounds. I’m huge.
eating disorders are too easy to fall into over school breaks. I ain’t got nothing to make me wanna be continuously fueled. I have no reason to need food right now, so it’s easy to just let the non hunger do it’s thing.
this is wildly irresponsible. but I don’t much care.
he’s pretty cooh. I like him.
he is a little too affectionate sometimes, but I think we can learn one another’s love language and figure it all out.
he’s smart and awesome and sweet and all of those lovely things.
I kinda sorta maybe let on that I have an eating disorder. well, i told him that anxiety causes me to rule out all of the following food groups (as well as 8 year long vegetarianism):
carbohydrates in any form besides oatmeal, select fruit, and vegetables
any type of starchy anything
any real sugar
any drink with calories besides wine and gin and occasionally bourbon
fake meat products
fats of any kind
he is worried. esp when I told him my period has been MIA for almost 2 years. But, I mean, he seemed supportive. and said it didn’t change how he felt. So, we’ll see.
triggering, so only click if youre not disorder
i feel disgusting.
also dream last night:
zombie prison/party; friends all puking on lawn; back together with high school ex boyfriend; finding friends in the dark
VERY TERRIFYING. did I mention the presence of zombies?
HAPPY DERBY, YA’LL.