dont you love waking up after dreaming of your ex boyfriend cheating on you for months with ugly bitches?

i do.

it’s fucking fantastic.

where the FUCK is my weed.

I’m not allowing myself to relapse.

breakups are not an excuse to undo all the work I’ve done in six months. But, I want nothing.

I feel nothing.

I feel vastly empty.

moderately lonely.

thinly veiled heartbreak. I’m just able to ignore it enough so that I’m not feeling. I keep pushing it down. Remainingpresentand focusing on whatever task I’m doing.

I’m smoking vast amounts of pot.

I’m attempting to eat. It’s. so. hard. I want to feel, do, eat nothing. I want to lay in a field and stay there, pretty much all day. Forget all my memories, erase every thought about him. Erase my urge to remain friends, erase my feelings. And I kind of am- minus the field. Although, I have done some field-laying in the past few days. I haven’t cried in 3. It seems unreasonable to both feel nothing and need to let it out, but it is unreasonable to allow m emotions to flood over and express the pain that is just beneath the surface. no one wants to hear it, and neither do I want to feel it.

suppressionFEEDSmy disorder. The nothingness, the emptiness, the numbness translates directly to my body and my realtionship with food. I want to eat nothing, I don’t even feel the physical signs of starvation except the atrophy and generalized weakness, I’m simply on autopilot.

I cannot relapse. They’ll put me in the hospital. I’m just trying to make it.

i do not want to eat. i don not want to eat after breaking up with bo. i just wanna drink tea and feel numb. but that’s not healthy. must. not. restrict. must not suppress. i’m sad.