dont you love waking up after dreaming of your ex boyfriend cheating on you for months with ugly bitches?
it’s fucking fantastic.
where the FUCK is my weed.
I’m not allowing myself to relapse.
breakups are not an excuse to undo all the work I’ve done in six months. But, I want nothing.
I feel nothing.
I feel vastly empty.
thinly veiled heartbreak. I’m just able to ignore it enough so that I’m not feeling. I keep pushing it down. Remainingpresentand focusing on whatever task I’m doing.
I’m smoking vast amounts of pot.
I’m attempting to eat. It’s. so. hard. I want to feel, do, eat nothing. I want to lay in a field and stay there, pretty much all day. Forget all my memories, erase every thought about him. Erase my urge to remain friends, erase my feelings. And I kind of am- minus the field. Although, I have done some field-laying in the past few days. I haven’t cried in 3. It seems unreasonable to both feel nothing and need to let it out, but it is unreasonable to allow m emotions to flood over and express the pain that is just beneath the surface. no one wants to hear it, and neither do I want to feel it.
suppressionFEEDSmy disorder. The nothingness, the emptiness, the numbness translates directly to my body and my realtionship with food. I want to eat nothing, I don’t even feel the physical signs of starvation except the atrophy and generalized weakness, I’m simply on autopilot.
I cannot relapse. They’ll put me in the hospital. I’m just trying to make it.