dont you love waking up after dreaming of your ex boyfriend cheating on you for months with ugly bitches?
i do.
it’s fucking fantastic.
where the FUCK is my weed.
I’m not allowing myself to relapse.
breakups are not an excuse to undo all the work I’ve done in six months. But, I want nothing.
I feel nothing.
I feel vastly empty.
moderately lonely.
thinly veiled heartbreak. I’m just able to ignore it enough so that I’m not feeling. I keep pushing it down. Remainingpresentand focusing on whatever task I’m doing.
I’m smoking vast amounts of pot.
I’m attempting to eat. It’s. so. hard. I want to feel, do, eat nothing. I want to lay in a field and stay there, pretty much all day. Forget all my memories, erase every thought about him. Erase my urge to remain friends, erase my feelings. And I kind of am- minus the field. Although, I have done some field-laying in the past few days. I haven’t cried in 3. It seems unreasonable to both feel nothing and need to let it out, but it is unreasonable to allow m emotions to flood over and express the pain that is just beneath the surface. no one wants to hear it, and neither do I want to feel it.
suppressionFEEDSmy disorder. The nothingness, the emptiness, the numbness translates directly to my body and my realtionship with food. I want to eat nothing, I don’t even feel the physical signs of starvation except the atrophy and generalized weakness, I’m simply on autopilot.
I cannot relapse. They’ll put me in the hospital. I’m just trying to make it.
